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I actually think this is pretty funny.
A Build-Your-Own Letter of Apology...
12:30pm 03/10/2005
...from the Jilted Husband in EVERY Cinemax, Late Night, Soft Core, Adult Feature Film. (Print Out & Circle the options which best applies).
March 10, 2005
My Dearest Darling Wife,
COLLETTE
LINDSAY
THERESA
NICOLE
It has come to light, recently, that you have been unfaithful to me. I think I might have always suspected that something was coming between us. But when I...
...ACCIDENTALLY PICKED UP THE KITCHEN PHONE TO HEAR YOU HAVING PHONE SEX...
...CAME HOME TO FIND YOU HAVING SEX...
...STUMBLED ACROSS YOUR NEW LINGERIE WARDROBE AND LOVE LETTERS COLLECTION...
...ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLED UPON YOU STRIPPING IN THE LOCAL STRIP CLUB...
...STOPPED AT THE SAME STOP LIGHT AS YOU AND SAW YOU PUTTING YOUR HEAD IN HIS LAP TO INITIATE ORAL SEX...
...FOUND YOUR SEX TAPE WHICH YOU LEFT IN THE VCR...
...RESCUED YOU FROM THE RUSSIAN MOB WHICH WAS TRYING TO BLACKMAIL ME, BY REVEALING YOUR INDISCRETION TO THE PRESS...
...I knew that something had gone awry between us.
We've both changed so much. I'm not the idealistic young man that you fell in love with. And you are not the beautiful, young,...
...BLONDE...
...BRUNETTE...
...RED-HEADED...
...FLAXEN-HAIRED...
...girl which I met at the...
...FRATERNITY PARTY...
...SMALLTOWN ICE CREAM PARLOR...
...SIGNING FOR MY IMPORTANT NOVEL...
...FAMOUS PHOTGRAPHERS PARTY...
...SWIMSUIT PHOTO SHOOT...
...those many years ago.
Maybe it's the fact that we've lived these many years without children. Or maybe it is this expensive, stylish, modernly-decorated home which I have bought for us. Or maybe it was the advice of your wise-cracking, adultering female friend, which first planted the seeds of doubt about our sexual compatibility.
Whatever it was, I know that my behavior is a large part of the blame. I have just been so DAMNED busy with this...
...POLITICAL CAMPAIGN...
...IMPORTANT LEGAL CASE...
...FILM PRODUCTION COMPANY...
...CRAZY ROCK AND ROLL CAREER...
...APARTMENT HIGH RISE WHICH I SINGLE-HANDEDLY DESIGNED AND OBSESS OVER IN MY FREE TIME...
...that I wasn't there for you, romantically.
So many times you were waiting for me, in bed and I kissed you and then rolled over to fall asleep.
So many times we fought in our modern home and you threw something expensive to express your frustration.
So many times, I left you alone here, while I was out dealing with work.
It's no wonder that you went looking for love elsewhere.
Things have changed, baby. I am writing this to tell you that I am re-committed to our relationship. I am putting those distractions, any distractions away and focusing on winning you back. Why just today, I...
...TOLD MY BOSS TO "GO TO HELL", THREW SOME PAPER AT HIM AND WALKED OUT OF THE OFFICE FOREVER...
...BOUGHT YOU SIX DOZEN FLOWERS...
...BOOKED A ROMANTIC VACATION TO LOS ANGELES...
...LEARNED HOW TO PLAY THE PIANO, SO I COULD SING YOU A SONG ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU...
...TRACKED DOWN YOUR LOVER, FORCING AN AWKWARD CONFRONTATION IN AN ABANDONED HIGH RISE CONSTRUCTION SITE, WHERE WE STRUGGLED UNTIL HE FELL TO HIS DEATH...
If that doesn't show my renewed dedication, then nothing will.
I am begging you, Darling Wife. Please forget about...
...THE LATINO GARDNER WHO ALSO PAINTS MASTEPIECES...
...THE SEEDY PHOTOGRAPHER WHO ASKED YOU TO POSE NUDE AND THEN SEDUCED YOU...
...THE YOUNG FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT WHO WRITES POETRY WHICH RHYMES...
...THE CASTING AGENT WHO OFFERED YOU A CAREER IN FILM IN EXCHANGE FOR PLEASURE...
...THE MYSTERIOUS GUY FROM YOUR PAST WHO SHOWED UP MYSTERIOUSLY TO RESUME HIS MYSTERIOUS AFFAIR WITH YOU...
...THE CHARMING PSYCHOPATH WITH THE GOOD LOOKS, THE SLY SMILE AND THE DARK PAST...
...THE HARDENED COP WHO JUST NEEDS TO LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN...
...THE GHOST LOVER WHO APPEARS BEHIND YOU IN MIRRORS, ONLY TO BECOME TANGIBLE AND NUDE AND AROUSED...
...TONY...
...and come back to our stylish, modern home, to be with me.
With a little time and patience, we can be that couple that is in that one picture of us together, which you turned face down to indicate that you'd decided to allow the affair to happen.
I love you.
Come back to me.
Your jilted husband,
JOHN
ROGER
MARK
PETER
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